Today’s Nemesis: Children’s Birthday Parties

I’m about to lose my fucking mind.

A stressbomb is ticking… :05 left and that sucker is about to explode – all over a four year old’s birthday party. I do this to myself, I know I do. 40 people are descending upon our little tract home tomorrow afternoon. We’re cooking everything from scratch, I’ve handmade 16 custom superhero capes and masks for decorating activity purposes. In an hour we’re about to go forth and rent a helium tank so we can blow up the balloons OUR OWN GODDAMN SELVES!

Why can’t we be those parents who order pizzas, rent a bounce house and let everyone fend for themselves? I’ve been to those kids’ parties. They’re fun. The crotchfruit have a blast, they could give a shit about artisanal cheeseplates and white sangria. I’m not critical of those parents, I’m envious… I know that no one expects us to do this stuff – well, actually they do a little bit because we set this precedent for our parties while living in NYC – but these kind Austin folks don’t know about it! This was our chance at a fresh start – at embracing slackerdom and liberating the family from our relentless, self-imposed pursuit of entertaining perfection and we’ve totally blown it.

The to-do list for the next 24 hours is now coming in at 100 items long. I’ll be whipping up homemade buttercream at 10pm and F will be up at 4am to start slow-cooking the carnitas.


I’ve said it every year and I’m saying it again. Oliver’s 5th birthday? Chuck E. Fucking Cheese.


4 thoughts on “Today’s Nemesis: Children’s Birthday Parties

  1. Jamie says:

    You do it because you guys are amazing parents and hosts. And someday Oliver will Tell all his friends how he never had one of those stupid Chuck E Cheese parties because his parents are awesome.

  2. Junine says:

    And because this one time, he learned to toast with his sippie cup and keep it chilled in the beer pail. Because the big people were having so much effing fun at his birthday party he wanted to be like them.

  3. Charlotte says:

    Ha ha! I had no idea we would be experiencing such an amazing event tomorrow. And to think I was excited for a “regular” bday party. Now I am ecstatic! and by the way Matthew had a Chuck E Cheese party last year, lol! I am all about low stress. I bet Oliver’s party will be so fun and original we will never forget it. Kind of like the Spencer girls first bday party. You guys rock!

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